Thursday, March 1, 2012

The House Hates Me

So, while being shuttled off to bed early because she was a whiny little pain in the ass, Annika cried out “I like school!  The house hates me!  And I’ve been having a lot of bad things today!”

Now … she was just trying to get out of going to bed.  She wasn’t trying to be prophetic or anything, but it got me thinking.  There were times in my life where I considered work/school as an escape, my home away from the craziness, as it were.  I think we all have.  It’s one of the phases of growing up and growing into a job, but like any other phase it can be something to get stuck in, and it can be scary.

While I was in CA, I had to go to the office for 8+ hours a day + 90 minutes of commute.  Saw my kids evenings and weekends.  It felt normal, the same as my father had done when I was a kid, and my grandfather as well.  Then I moved to OR and everything changed.  I admit, there were times I felt like Annika … overwhelmed by the sheer weight of life going on around me.  At times I missed my office horribly.  I missed the quiet, the meetings, the camaraderie.  BUT I had my family.  It was different from when I was a kid, though.  Maybe because I didn’t have my sights set on leaving?  Maybe because it was my kids instead of my parents?  I don’t rightly know, but I know it was different.  And, once I adjusted, it became my comfort zone.  It enveloped me, and I couldn’t imagine life without it.

When I was working in Portland, I thought I was going to fall into the same habits as before, but I couldn’t.  Once I’d been part of that all-encompassing love of home, I just couldn’t adjust back.  When I was in the office, I couldn’t wait to get home.  I only got a couple hours to see my kids every night, and it HURT.  I couldn’t concentrate on the screen in front of me.  It sucked!

As I write this, I hope I’m coming down off of a couple of weeks of being lost in the code on my screen (there’s a lot going on, and I may get slammed more).  Work has slammed me, and my kids have felt it.  Topher has accused me of being “A horrible parent” because I’ve been so wrapped up in my computer screens (yes, I have two 24 inch monitors attached to my machine) that I haven’t focused on life around me.  But even so, it’s different.  I’ve BEEN here, and that’s made all the difference to me.  I get more done, even when I have to shush the kids when I dial into a meeting.

I guess I’ve outgrown the stage where the house hates me, huh?

So, what’s the point?  I don’t know.  Annika got me rambling in my brain, and so I put it on screen.  Hope you can survive a missing conclusion.

        aka: goofdad

No comments: